Java vs .NET Joke

This post is regarding a joke between Linux - Java and Microsoft - .NET. Imagine you belongs to a Microsoft family, would you...

• ...ever even think of coding in Java and cross-platform?
• ...rather said you were enjoying porn where in fact you were doing some Java thing?
• ...make an official confession that you were using Java in front of the dining table?
• ...rather be called a MONSTER for using Java?

Enjoy this clip below.

Husband vs Wife

There are plenty of jokes between husband and wife and below are some compilations of them

#1

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever

#2

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

#3
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

#4
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

#5
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

#6
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

#7

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

#8
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

Joke Compilation of The Day

#1

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

#2
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me…

#3
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what’s your phone number?

#4
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don’t you ever want to improve?

#5
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, NO, because you make me sick.

#6
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

#7
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

#8
Girlfriend : “….And are you sure you love me and no one else?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

#9
Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

#10
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

#11
Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colours do you have ?”

#12

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.”
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”..

#13
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

#14
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

#15
Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

#16
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

#17
Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

#18
Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

Diagnostic Computer Joke

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.


He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Costco Medic...

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Taxi Driver Joke

This joke is about a woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Mumbai. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

Short Joke Compilation

This special post is a compilation of 8 short jokes. Have fun =)

Short Joke #1

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."*

Short Joke #2

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"*

Short Joke #3

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."*
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."*

Short Joke #4

What is the definition of Mistress?*
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.*

Short Joke #5

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*

Short Joke #6

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*

Short Joke #7

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".*

Short Joke #8

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."*

The Naive Bride

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

Dead Camel

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know father.” “In fact. I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree”, says the Father, “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything Father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breast and I was wondering if I might see yours.”

“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on her beauty.

“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask you something
of you?”

“Yes Sister?”

“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.

“Oh father, may I touch it?”

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

“Is that true father?”

“Yes it is, sister.”

“Then why don’t you stick it in that camel and let’s get the hell out of here.”

A Hooker's Tax Return Jokes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.

'The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.''No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'


'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

Ireland Joke

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Tickets

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked storm trooper. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.....

To be honest I really didn't care.... My carwas parked around the corner......

New Weight Loss Program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"' Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kg as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 kg, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely!", he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Honeymoon Secret Message

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". The mom went straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her weekly magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.....

Wife Versus Girlfriend

Wife is like TV
girlfriend is like MOBILE (Cell)

At home watch TV
go out bring MOBILE

No money, sell TV
Got money change MOBILE

Sometimes enjoy TV
but most of the time play with MOBILE

TV is free for life
but MOBILE if you don't pay, the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!
But MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable
but for MOBILE is high and often demanding

TV got remote
MOBILE don't have

Most important, MOBILE is two ways communication (talk and listen)

but with TV you MUST listen to it (either you want to hear nagging or not)

Last but not least!

TV do not have virus,
but MOBILE, yes, they do have VIRUS!

Summer Romance

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.


Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........


f**king mosquito.

Female Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one Welsh, and one Scottish, were walking passed and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f***ed?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘No, no never!'


She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Affair Compilation Jokes

First Affair

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son...

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the =enu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

My Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress !


Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"


Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.


She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."


After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.


John then quickly dressed and left.


As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"


In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".


Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."


Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

Poor Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher

saw him with all the bruises she asked:

"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f***in’ Arabs!..."

Smell Of Fingers

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He Called his wife for assistance, after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart, What do you think he's going To be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'